GAHHH

So lets see if this actually works. Been trying to post and nothing seems to work, gah.
But anyways, I have been troubled as ever, you know i try and look at the world as if there is a grand plan and a greater design. If there are signed out there, steering me the way that i go. But for gods sake can't a sign be clear!? All of this stuff in my mind has just been so confusing. Ya' know i see the obvious plan, the plan that is safe and yeah it might have some bumps but its a very safe road that I know I will be happy taking.
But then I get to see another road, a road that has wonderful scenery, but as i look down the road I see pot holes, construction vehicles and and other type of thing to make that road difficult. But what is life without those sort of obstacles. I want to be happy, but I just don't know what will make me happy. I know at my age I shouldn't have life figured out, and I don't want to. But for the longest time I always had my life perfectly planned out, knew every move, knew the consequences and positive outcomes of everything, figured it out before I did anything, but I don't want to think, i just want to do what first comes to my mind, not having a plan and just be a teenager for once. I just got my license, and had a car for one day. I drove to the doctors, to the pharmacy, and to a friends house. It was great, having the freedom of being able to do things when I wanted. But of coarse the car broke down on my way home... my car of one day, died. Is that a sign that I was talking about that I just shouldn't be free yet. For the longest time that's all I have wanted. That was part of the plan, to be free. And now?...
I keep putting other peoples needs in front of mine and I need to stop doing that. I try and look in the mirror every day, but I just can't, because i don't like what i see. Its not my weight or something that everyone else can see... its like i look at myself and I can see my insides and how screwed up they are... How much in pain I am for everything that i have put that certain person through, and myself through. I don't want to hurt him anymore... and I don't know what that entails... to make everything better. I just don't know what to do...
Writing my feelings down is so hard for me to do, I always seem like I can't get them down because I can't type, or i just loose track half way through whatever I'm writing and it just makes no sense... But i have been needing to write things down for a while and just vent a little... every day its new feelings and new ideas that pop into my head.... what wonderful, crazy, ridiculous, stupid thought might come into my head tomorrow? who the hell knows...