A Sad Sad Wednesday

So I listened to the song he told me to listen to like a week ago, 'Come back to me' by David Cook.... And I cried... i cried once during this whole ordeal and that was like for 2 sec... but I cried, and it hurt and it was painful, and the tears kept coming... Because im so sorry.. im so sorry for all the stupid shit that I have done, the horrible things I have said and thought. I know why I had to do what I did, but im sorry for being such an idiot and not realizing it a lot sooner... and hurting him so much...
Yes im still going to wait till arcade, because I know there is still parts of me that aren't right and I need to find out how to fix them.
But i think i know the answer in my heart, and im an idiot for not knowing it sooner...

Im sorry....
My ring is still the right way... close to my heart.

Tuesday?

So today I actually slept in till 11, haven't done that in a couple days. And I started pinning the vest that I am making for a friend today. But that's about all that I did...
I tried not to think about everything that has been going on because the more I think the more i get confused and don't know whats going on in my head.
I think Stephen moved in today to his new apartment. I really wanted to be there for that, to help with all the stress and everything, but I wasn't.
The letter that i got from Stephens friend really hurt. It made me feel not even an inch tall. The down side is that I don't think Stephen fully understands the reason why i need this break, so he wasn't able to tell the friend why I wanted it, so it just looks like I'm a, I think in her words "a immature little bitch". I'm sorry for the first time in my life I'm actually acting 'my age'. I am hesitating, I'm looking back and going, 'was this really what I wanted'. There has been so many thoughts in my head about things that just shouldn't be there, and those thought are hurting me and I know they would hurt him if he only knew. I don't want to string him along, I never ever ever wanted to hurt him. He says that his life would suck if I wasn't in it, but what I'm looking at right now is that his life would be better without me. He would be happy. I know it might take some time but I know in my heart of hearts that without me, without the drama without the thoughts that I have been having, he would be happier. It might take him years but I know he will. I just want him to see that there are other girls out there that could be better for him. Someone that really has more of the same interests, a girl that is older that his family would like better, skinner(as i hate to say it) someone with more knowledge to take care of him, someone who would be happy with settling down right now and having a life together. I feel like there is just someone better out there for him.
I know we can be perfect together but there is something inside of me that just feels off, that isn't right anymore. I know with the college major thing I have been having a major identity crisis, things just don't seem right in my mind about me.
I debate every day if what I am doing is right, and I HAVE NO IDEA. I never wanted to dump him. I just need to sort out thoughts in my head. People keep telling me its better now then in 5 years when I'm married.
I don't know if he actually finished college and lived up here if things would be better. I could only hope, but that's not the reality of things right now. He is still in college and really needs to finish or he is never gonna make enough money for two people to live. I want him to fulfill his dreams to the best he can, even if he cant be a pilot, he can still make something out of his life. He just seems to be passionate about me and he needs more than me, because when its just me, he smothers me. I can't live my life.
The past two weeks have been great just because I have been able to breath. I haven't been bored, like truly bored, with no one to talk to in a really long time. I have always had someone there, putting thoughts into my head, making me say and do things, always on a schedule. And today there wasn't anything to do. I talked to a friend that I have known for like 7 years but have never really held more than a 5 min I'm convo, of the traditional 'hi, how are you, good' sort of thing, and today i talked to him for a good like 2 hours. Yesterday I hung out with a really good friend and we just talked to each other, and vented everything. I feel like I have made more friends because I'm not to busy to talk to them now. With Stephen I feel like I didn't have my life, like I was suppressed. It wasn't the inability to flirt, it was the fact that that is who I am, and yeah i would flirt and do more than that, yes that is who I am, I confess it, i love men, and with Stephen i wasn't able to do that (odiously). And that's a part of who I am. And I know in a relationship you do have to compromise who I am and become a we instead of a him and I, but it turned into more of a him. With my teenage life coming to an end shortly, i feel like i never got to date, never got to go to party's and feel comfortable in my own shoes. I lost who I was, and I have yet to find her again.
I don't know what i just wrote but I know it was my true feelings. I have gotta stop hiding and fearing what I saw will hurt other people because I just gotta do it for myself, and yeah the truth can hurt, but lying can bury you alive in a hole you cant get out of and do more than just hurt people.

I turned my ring around....

GAHHH

So lets see if this actually works. Been trying to post and nothing seems to work, gah.
But anyways, I have been troubled as ever, you know i try and look at the world as if there is a grand plan and a greater design. If there are signed out there, steering me the way that i go. But for gods sake can't a sign be clear!? All of this stuff in my mind has just been so confusing. Ya' know i see the obvious plan, the plan that is safe and yeah it might have some bumps but its a very safe road that I know I will be happy taking.
But then I get to see another road, a road that has wonderful scenery, but as i look down the road I see pot holes, construction vehicles and and other type of thing to make that road difficult. But what is life without those sort of obstacles. I want to be happy, but I just don't know what will make me happy. I know at my age I shouldn't have life figured out, and I don't want to. But for the longest time I always had my life perfectly planned out, knew every move, knew the consequences and positive outcomes of everything, figured it out before I did anything, but I don't want to think, i just want to do what first comes to my mind, not having a plan and just be a teenager for once. I just got my license, and had a car for one day. I drove to the doctors, to the pharmacy, and to a friends house. It was great, having the freedom of being able to do things when I wanted. But of coarse the car broke down on my way home... my car of one day, died. Is that a sign that I was talking about that I just shouldn't be free yet. For the longest time that's all I have wanted. That was part of the plan, to be free. And now?...
I keep putting other peoples needs in front of mine and I need to stop doing that. I try and look in the mirror every day, but I just can't, because i don't like what i see. Its not my weight or something that everyone else can see... its like i look at myself and I can see my insides and how screwed up they are... How much in pain I am for everything that i have put that certain person through, and myself through. I don't want to hurt him anymore... and I don't know what that entails... to make everything better. I just don't know what to do...
Writing my feelings down is so hard for me to do, I always seem like I can't get them down because I can't type, or i just loose track half way through whatever I'm writing and it just makes no sense... But i have been needing to write things down for a while and just vent a little... every day its new feelings and new ideas that pop into my head.... what wonderful, crazy, ridiculous, stupid thought might come into my head tomorrow? who the hell knows...